Monday, November 2, 2009

updates from the Bard of the Dogs

Aye and the year being twenty and naught nine, the Dogs and Cannibals have wandered the fields for months. We have have seen our numbers dwindle to seven and then a few, but the Lord of the Everything and the Prince of the Nothingness have found our steps to be favorable once again. Lo and the numbers of the clans of the Flying Pigs and the Dogs and the Cannibals have swollen like a slut's belly and sprouted forth many new warriors for the waging of rugby.

They being Daniel the Monkey, Adam the Belly Dancer and Ceasar of the Sweet Dick, Josh the man Princess and Chris the Teaser among many others who have yet to make a name for themselves in the tales of the Bard.

Yea and the Dogs and a few Cannibals have been beaten down by the cloven foot Rams from the southeast. Though they wear yellow they fear us not and smite us handily on our own grounds. But we have found favor with the gods of the bouncing egg, and smote them too in front of their women and children. And such was the awesomeness of the match that we retired to the cave of the Lone Wolf and drank with the witch of San Angelo. She took her opportunity and bedevilled Ceasar of the Sweet Dick and made him spew forth his belly full of ale. And we over ran the walls of the Rams fortress and took for ourselves a rugby queen and sang horrible things about her scraggly hair and cum stained teeth. But we pressed our luck with the rugby gods and when we sang rudely about her sagging breasts she pelted us with the vilest of quaffs and left our young prop in training wet like a young, horny lass!

And our waywardness led us north and east to the land of the Griffyns. We were set upon by the giant beasts and they tore our flesh and broke our prettiest warrior's nose while in the air. They stole from our possession the magical Rheinlander Cup and have hidden it deep in their belly for a full year! And they have made deals behind our backs with one of our own who is a traitor and plays like a fucking girl! He is an abomination who uses hair gel and wears lacy panties! He shall forever be known as Silky the Jester!

And the curse upon us still plagues us and keeps us driven from our own hallowed grounds! We are forced to march to the lands of the sodomites, know as the weird hallow of the Armadillos! Were the mighty transvestite clan know as the UTGrads who wear the ugly orange have beaten us like we owe them monies! Yea and our own mighty warriors were to afraid to take up arms against their oppressors and we had to rely on the Huns to give us warriors. But the Huns were not scared and smote the transvestites with all their speed and grace and bequeathed to our effort that day 21 points. Yea and the only points garnered by the Dogs and the Cannibals were three points scraped from the shoe of a Hun at his fearless charge against the pantie wearers! And Shroom the Bard fro Mudville and a known Cannibal was able to kick the bouncing egg like a baby through the posts for three solitary points.

But the transvestites were too mighty as they played for the memory of their god, Leslie the Transient! And they smote the travelling Dogs and Cannibals for 43 points to 24 and took great pleasure in taunting us at the watering hole, fado! And they paraded the many freaks and abominations in the streets as a warning to us not to forget the ass whooping of the day.

And they praised only one from the Dogs and the Cannibals that day, and it was the mighty Shroom the Bard, who was forced to have a bear fight in his belly!

But the Dogs and the Cannibals have returned home safe and sound with but a few knocks to the head and another broken nose. And such is the punishment for those who have tingly vaginas for teammates. For when you travel light you lose right and the ass whooping is to be remembered for weeks on end until the rematch cometh on the calendar.

Yea and the cup matcheth cometh soon. And the Dog-assed Huns will make the trek across the rolling hills and through the desert to the hallowed grounds of the Dogs and the Pigs and the Cannibals. Then we will see if the Dogs warriors grow sets of balls and show up to wage rugby upon their enemies!

So sayeth the Bard!

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